The Science of Third-Wheeling
Flashing status, one-upping, and belonging.
TLDR:
There is a strange shift in energy upon the advent of the third person. We, all of a sudden, get excited and feel energized to keep something up. Why? To gain a certain level of stature in the eyes of a newfound audience? Having a third wheel around is a stepping stone, an opportunity to stand out, to be seen and recognized. No matter how mischievous and scheme-like such a methodology may be, however, what is sought is the attainment of something much more pure, innocent, and essential to human well-being.
As the sun thawed out any remaining snow, a clamorous wind spread the news of spring. Person A walks to his next class with his headphones in, shielded from the elements. He sees a familiar face walking towards him, a friend — perhaps — from class; Person B. They greet each other with a typical “What’s up, how’s it going” leading to a response that verbally conveys each of their sad, visceral realities,
"nothing much.”
Person A slightly hesitates on what to say next. His darting eyes muster up a hastened complaint,
“Just got out of this one class, with Ms. Hawkins, they suck a** dude don’t take it”.
Person B, now appears relieved that the silence departed. He feeds the complaint-driven energy in an attempt to have a stake in the conversation so that something, anything, can be catalyzed into a sort of bond that could make them forget about the haunting pangs of their emptinesses,
“Oh yeah dude I heard so many people hate her.”
This conversation—if we can even call it that— bears no fruit. Instead, the weeds of gossip begin to grow from a soil that lacks creativity and any beneficial ideas. It really is as they said, “nothing much” — indicative of a void where meaning and genuine expression is perhaps meant to reside.
- “I heard that teacher got divorced like seven times”
- “no way. . .I mean I can see why actually, she’s so ugly and b****y”
- *fake laughs*
- “yeah bro I hate that s***”
- “yeah.”
If you’re wondering, the answer is yes. This is a real, overheard dialogue. Person A and B, or anyone you’ve heard who speaks in this archetypically degrading manner, actually has no idea about the reality of who they are gossiping about. Yet it's the only thing they've got. It's the only thing that fills the silence and gives them a reason, or a purpose to even meet and be with each other in the first place.
"The speed at which a conversation shifts to the errs of another is indicative of our degrading empathic capacity, and an inability to converse unless associated with some kind of backbiting, fault-exposing, or complaint."
After A and B's nauseating exchange, they quickly find themselves bereft of any further gist regarding Ms. Hawkins. Their creative faculties have been exhausted. Nothing is coming to mind. They aren't able to even conjure up another victim whom they could fabricate common hatred towards. Conspicuous gulps and tightly pressed lips showed that they were approaching the understanding of their lack of substance. There is no room for the conversation to progress—not that it was going anywhere significant in the first place.
At this point, the energy of the dialogue between Person A and B melts quicker than the snow that cringes itself into a puddle in the many potholes of a disastrously progressive Michigan intersection. In their defeated silence, I could almost hear it pleading the warm touch of death to spare it from the sounds of A and B’s empty, hollow, “nothing much” selves.
A and B also seemed to notice the snow’s voluntary martyrdom.
Certain body language conveyed a shared sense that they should cut things off before the “awkward” silence plunges them into the depths of their vulnerabilities. And, God forbid, they realize how pathetic their motives and conversations really are. But no one wants to let that happen, as it would spring forth an incessant urge to change something, likely for the better.
And no one has the time, energy, or self-efficacy for that.
They telepathically agree to break whatever that was. But right before they do, another familiar face approaches them. Perhaps another friend on the same IM sports team or someone they both met at their last party,
Person C.
At this point, there is a sudden shift in energy. They all greet each other again, but this time with more fervor and “life”.
Person A embraces Person C with a handshake and a horrendous. A throws out an attempt at a deeper voice as they both look at each other with unwarranted squints that should never, ever, be impersonated.
“y0oh0hoh0, wassup!”
Because of A’s expedient change in demeanor upon the advent of C, two things happen:
- Person B is suddenly rendered nonexistent by both A and C
- Both person A and C hit it off in a way they otherwise would—and maybe even could not have— were it not for B’s presence and semi-submission, to what we’ll call, the [third leg of the] mythical barstool (TLMB).
Known more commonly as a third-wheel
Upon the entrance of Person C, both A and C find themselves ascending this mythical barstool towards a mythical hierarchy, subconsciously upheld by B’s new passive role in the conversation.
Although each of them are legs to the same stool, without one person’s acquiescing into the mold of the TLMB (Person B), neither A nor C would find such delight in conversing and dominating the space. Probably because there is now space to dominate. You can't make a shape out of two points after all. You need at least three. Were it not for the third wheel, leg, or whatever you want to call it, Person A and C’s encounter would simply be a cookie-cutter replica of A and B’s initial conversation.
Once the positions are delegated, anything the TLMB—third wheel— may say under the domineering ascension of Person A and C, sadly dissipates and distills into background music or ad-libs at best.
Their role is simple, yet crucial.
They are to provide synonyms, hype, unconditional phrases of agreement, or even silence to fuel the mythical ascensions of the other two. You may think that there is absolutely no logical reason for B’s patronage role in this superficial and insignificant construct. But he may think otherwise. A potential benefit in this situation may be that the TLMB—third wheel—tastes a bit of the mythical ascension by result of simping to create the fleeting success Person A and C now enjoy.
Brace your pyloric sphincter for the rest of the exchange:
- Person A: “Oh snap yo how you been — wait did you sign up for classes yet?”
- Person C: “YoOoO, I have like eight classes on my schedule right now dude— need to drop some.”
TLMB (Person B): “Daaaang eight?”
- Person A: “Wait did you get into EDUC 540??”
- Person C: “I literally — okay, I LITERALLY, just got the confirmation email today.”
- Person A: “Okay this might actually be a good semester, at least I know one person in my classes.”
TLMB (Person B): “I’m still on the waitlist.”
- Person C: “So many people told me the that the teacher is, like, actually, super chill.”
- Person A: “Oh yeah dude, easy A for sure.”
- Person C: “We, like, don’t even have to do readings right?”
TLMB (Person B): “Yeah no readings, that’s what I heard too.”
- Person A: “Oh dude! No readings, like, WHATSOEVER, just like participation and s***.”
- Person C: “Siiiickkk, ugh I need more easy classes.”
TLMB (Person B): *Nods with an open smile*
"The incessant efforts to build barriers around our vulnerabilities with the bricks of disingenuous conversations, while rummaging through random crowds for a glimmer of attention, speak to what frivolous things [if anything] occupy our sad lives."
There are several explanations for the shift in energy and newly found liveliness that drives this conversation beyond its starting place. One reason may be rooted in pride. If pride is an explanation, then there are three recipients whom the enacting pride—or showing off—is meant to reach;
1. public bystanders, 2. the TLMB—third wheel, and 3. persons A and C themselves.
- As we recall, the conversation was happening in a public area. Person A was walking to his next class before meeting B and then C. The two mythical ascenders (A and C) realize that they can assert their newly found status to the masses passing by. These innocent bystanders, in reality, could really care less. They are either not likely to notice, or are deliberately avoiding A and C’s overextended, try-too-hard, thirsty energies. Nevertheless, Person A and C attempt to flash their mythical badges to public onlookers. In doing so, they may hope for random people to acknowledge their underlying message of “we have friends that we can easily dispose of which make us more important.” A and C's grandiose performance seems to be a desperate plea for the public to lock eyes with them, and drool at the beholding of their social superiority.
- Additionally, A and C get to show off their conversational-wiz kits and mythical badges to Person B, the third wheel. This is done by passively receiving any of B’s comments and remarks in order to fuel their ascension and uplift their dominance. The point of fuel is to be used and discarded as it carries the riders to their intended destination. Thus, B’s role is strangely and ironically crucial to the very manifestation of A and C’s pride towards B. One can understand this twisted relationship as somewhat of an exchange—self-degradation for potential relevance and popularity. The majority (in this case two people) condescends the minority (in this case one person). This delegates the role of who is superior and who is inferior. However, without the inferior minority, there would not be a superior majority. Hence, the latter needs the former to even be itself. This is where the exchange happens. The superiors say "Stay with us so we can continue to look superior. And we'll give you some of whatever this is by virtue of you accompanying us. Continue to uplift us and give us the spotlight. But just stay in your lane, and know your place, okay?" It is the act of overtly and blatantly using a person for one’s own advantage, while letting them know, as openly as possible; what is being done to them. And not only that, flaunting in their faces how much better one is than them because of their willingness to be used for their enjoyment and rise to a pseudo kind of social power. Disturbing on all levels, even the shallow one upon which this interaction rests. In another light, if a bully does not have someone to bully, he is no longer a bully. He needs others in order to become what he thinks is himself.
- Last, and certainly least, both A and C may look to be prideful towards themselves in an effort to continue to mask their vulnerable lairs of empty, hollow nothingness. By degrading others, they feel uplifted and important. The superficial blue light of their mythical ascension temporarily banishes the mist of each of their sad realities. They deify such a rank, while hastening to proselytize others to deify as well. Such actions distance oneself from their own realities by spreading a false version of themselves to as many people as possible until its fully believable. Being mean to others is an effective route to continue to evade one's own sad realities. At the same time, it allows the upholding of a false version of oneself to the world and themselves. But hey, at least now you get to keep labels like “important”, “relevant”, and “cool”, right?
This version of ourselves that needs others in order to continue to be itself, however, is not us. Rather, it is a mask that no one is really familiar with, yet through its persona and shape, we continue to live, act, and think.
These are the lenses through which we operate. And these are the kinds of things we fill our voids with — instead of meaning, genuine expression, and creativity.
The seemingly intimidating abyss of silence can actually bring us to, and bring out something real.
But we frantically replace it with whatever we can get our hands on. Namely gossip, degeneration, pride, selfishness, and vain talk—all to be perceived as somebody or something that is, in reality, everything other than our authentic, genuine selves. Even so, we are nothing without the curious looks of others.
However.
Despite how tyrannical the methodology, and how fast we seek to run from our own realities, the ultimate intention, want, and desire, for such actions appears to be the same.
It is at the core of every human being.
Something innate, inherent, and essential to our very essence.
And that is,
to belong.
